


Beginner's Guide to Halloween

by paperdream



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Children's Literature, Fluff, Gen, Halloween, Haunted Houses, poetry?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 10:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5087965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperdream/pseuds/paperdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter wants a quiet Halloween at home, but Deadpool insists on building a haunted house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If You Tell A Deadpool It's Halloween

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NightyNight_Owl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightyNight_Owl/gifts).



If you tell a Deadpool it’s Halloween, he’ll want to wear a costume.

You’ll have to take him to the costume store.

When you get to the costume store, he’ll see the pirate costume in the front window and decide he needs a new sword.

He’ll probably disappear for a few hours while he looks for one.

When he gets back, the new sword will need a name.

You’ll suggest Becky, Louise, and Travis.

He’ll name it Susan.

Polishing Susan will remind him of haunted houses, so you’ll have to help him build one;

He says your apartment will do nicely.

First thing any good haunted house needs is ghosts;

You’ll have to get him starch and cheesecloth.

While he’s making the ghosts, the cheesecloth will remind him of cheese.

Cheese will make him hungry, so you’ll have to stop for lunch.

For lunch, the only choice is chimichangas;

You’ll have to find a food truck.

On your way home from the food truck, he’ll see a theater.

When he sees the theater, he’ll decide you need to see a scary movie

(It is Halloween, after all).

When you see the scary movie, he’ll buy you popcorn,

But he’ll pout when you aren’t scared.

When the movie is over, you’ll head back to your apartment.

On the way back, you’ll pick up some supplies at the craft store to finish the haunted house.

Glitter-gluing bats will remind Deadpool of candy wrappers

And he’ll realize you don’t have any candy for the trick or treaters;

You’ll have to go out again and get some.

On your way to the supermarket, you’ll run into Doc Ock,

And you’ll have to make sure he ends up in good hands.

When you finally make it home with the candy,

Deadpool will notice the bruise Doc Ock gave you,

And you’ll have to tell him what happened.

Then you’ll have to explain why you didn’t call him to help;

(You wanted Doc Ock arrested, not maimed).

By the time you’re done explaining, you’ll have find a bowl for the candy.

When you find the bowl, there will be a gun siting in it.

When you ask Deadpool about it, he’ll tell you they’re everywhere.

Then you’ll have to search the apartment and confiscate

All of the weapons he’s hidden in the haunted house trappings.

When the trick or treaters start to arrive, you’ll have to watch to make sure they don’t get too scared.

Seeing the trick or treaters will remind Deadpool of last year,

When you saw a pair of trick or treaters dressed as the two of you going around together.

He’ll spend the whole night watching for a new pair;

(He doesn’t, but there are pairs of Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver,

Captain America and Iron Man, and Hawkeye and Hawkeye).

Seeing the trick or treaters will remind him of the time he stopped a kidnapping ring,

And you’ll have to convince him not to tell the story to the three year olds and their mothers.

When the night is finally over, you’ll have to clean up the haunted house.

Deadpool will finally leave the house,

And the only thing left is the selfie in the tweet he shot off while you weren’t looking.

That’s the end of the haunted house

Until he sets it up again next year.


	2. Peter Parker's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Halloween

            When I went to bed, I left the door unlocked and now Deadpool’s in my apartment, and when I got out of bed this morning, he’d filled the kitchen with pancakes. I dropped my mask in a puddle of syrup and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween.

            While we clean up, Deadpool dug out a gun in his first pile, and a knife in his second pile, and a sword in his third pile. He named the sword Susan, but all I found in my pancake pile was pancakes.

            My apartment is probably full of weapons I don’t know about.

            While Deadpool is admiring Susan, he decided to turn my apartment into a haunted house. I said I hated ghosts. I said I hated zombies. I said if he fills my apartment with bats, I’ll kick him out on the street. He didn’t answer.

            I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween.

            When he was done with Susan, Deadpool said he needed cheesecloth. When I gave him the cheesecloth, he said he needed starch. When I gave him the starch, he got it all over my counter. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween.

When he decided we needed to break for lunch, he dragged me all the way to a chimichanga truck. When we got to the truck, the man in the window said I wasn’t his favorite superhero. He said that Captain America was his favorite superhero and Iron Man was his next favorite superhero and I was only his third favorite superhero.

When we walked home from the truck, Deadpool saw a theater, and he said we had to see a movie. They were showing Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic and Scream. Deadpool said we had to see Scream. I hate scary movies. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween.

Next week, I’ll still be finding weapons in my apartment.

At the movie, I got popcorn, but I spilled it all over the floor and got my mask all greasy. Then I snorted, and a popcorn kernel went up my nose. I started coughing and Deadpool laughed at me and all the other people in the theater glared. I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween, I told everybody. No one even answered.

Then we went back to the apartment to finish the haunted house. Deadpool made bats, and he used all of the blue glitter glue. Then he made more ghosts and used up all the silver glitter glue. Then he made zombies and used up all the red glitter glue. I said I wanted gold glitter glue, but Deadpool said we didn’t by any. I had to put my spiders together with plain old Elmer’s glue. He can make me make plain spiders, but he can’t make me put them up.

I tried to set up the candy for trick or treaters, but we didn’t have any. I went to get more, and on my way I was as careful as could be except I ran into Doc Ock. He hit me with one of his arms and the police had to help tie them all up in a knot. Doc Ock said please don’t arrest him anymore.

It was a terrible horrible, no good, very bad Halloween.

There was a gun in the candy bowl, and when I asked him about it, Deadpool said there were more all over.

I knew it.

I had to find all the other guns, and the knives, and the swords. Then the trick or treaters started coming.

Deadpool told to story about the trick or treaters dressed as us, and I hate the story about the trick or treaters dressed as us.

There was a trick or treater dressed as Green Goblin, and I hate Green Goblin.

Deadpool took my picture, Jameson called me a menace, Deadpool scared a trick or treater, and I found another knife in the bathroom. I hate finding knives in my bathroom.

Hardly any trick or treaters dressed up as me.

I stayed up to late, and there’s still syrup in the sink.

I thought it would be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Halloween, but I guess it was alright, even if my apartment was full of weapons.


End file.
